


Mixed Drinks About Feelings

by rai87



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Developing Relationship, M/M, Pining, Pre-Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-12
Updated: 2017-08-24
Packaged: 2018-12-14 12:35:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,703
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11783286
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rai87/pseuds/rai87
Summary: Rafael had picked up that Carisi was something of a fixer, always trying to smooth things over when there was tension in the team. Fortunately, he’d never really been subject to it and he didn’t plan on changing things now. Talking about his feelings was something to be done rarely with Liv or, in a pinch, his mother.





	1. Chapter 1

Carmen had never been one for keeping unwanted visitors out of Rafael’s office. Once, when he’d asked her about it, she’d reminded him that it wasn’t her job to get berated on his behalf by people earning five times her salary. And yet there she stood, blocking his office door and arguing with Alex Muñoz that Mr Barba was too busy to see anyone, even ‘old friends’. He was both grateful and a little embarrassed. Still, Alex was nothing if not persistent, and while Rafael had spent the last five minutes rationalizing the difference between ‘strategic avoidance’ and ‘hiding’, he figured it was probably time to let Carmen off the hook. He downed the lukewarm remains of his coffee and opened the door. 

“Alex,” he greeted coolly, “If you’re looking for a defense lawyer you’re in the wrong building.” 

Disappointingly, Alex didn’t rise to the bait. Instead he smiled, almost fondly. “I suppose I asked for that.” 

“You did,” Rafael replied shortly, a little thrown by the way Alex was looking at him. He’d expected more anger and bitterness when they finally ran into each other again, but Alex’s expression betrayed none of that. It put the admittedly angry and bitter Rafael on the back foot. Unsettled, he turned and forced himself back to solid ground behind his desk, thumbing flippantly through an opened file he wasn’t really looking at. “What are you doing here, Alex?”

“I’m here to mend fences, Rafael,” Alex replied as he stepped fully into the office. “I regret how we left things. I want you to know how truly sorry I am for my behavior back then. I let you and everyone else down, and I’m ashamed of that. I want you to know that I’m getting help, that I’m working on being a better man.”

Rafael regarded Alex silently. It was a nice speech. He might have appreciated it four years ago. He might have appreciated it even more if he hadn’t heard a remarkably similar one on The Today Show two weeks earlier, but he wasn’t going to admit to Alex that he still watched his interviews. He snapped the file closed. “I hear you’re thinking of running again.”

A brief self satisfied smirk passed over Alex’s face. “I am. Running, not thinking about running.” He pulled out a chair and sat, leaning across the desk intently. “Look, Rafi, you know I’ve wanted this since we were kids. I made some mistakes last time but I know I can do a lot of good here.”

Rafael barely contained a snort. He was impressed by how quickly Alex could switch into campaign mode. He felt like he was about to be asked for a donation.

“I’ve taken some time to focus on my marriage and we’re in a good place, now it’s time for me to go back to work,” Alex continued, oblivious to Rafael’s scorn. “I’ve made a lot of apologies these last few years and I know I have a long ways to go to redeem myself in peoples’ eyes. But that’s why I’m here. You’re my oldest friend Rafi. I’ve missed you, and I want to make this right.”

It was another speech so carefully worded and well presented that Rafael wondered how he went so long before noticing how everything his old friend said had the veneer of falseness. He considered swallowing down his anger, accepting Alex’s lies just so he could be done with whatever kind of charade this was, but he’d rolled over too many times for Alex in the past. This time he wanted the fight. 

“Now you want to make things right?” He bit out. “After four years, after throwing me under the bus and trying to turn everyone against me, you come here talking about the apologies you’ve made like I should be impressed, when all I’ve had from you is silence?”

Alex shifted in the face of his anger and looked away. “I was too ashamed to face you before now.”

“I think we’ve established you aren’t capable of shame,” Rafael shot back scathingly. He cut Alex off as he opened his mouth to respond.

“I’m not a fool, Alex,” he started, voice dangerously low. “A flurry of interviews and rumors of a mayoral run, and suddenly you darken my door again? This has nothing to do with our friendship and everything to do with politics. You’re here to make sure I don’t go to the press with all the things that didn’t make it to court and ruin your big announcement.”

Alex’s expression hardened and Rafael felt a strange mix of disappointment and triumph knowing he’d hit on exactly the purpose for the visit. 

Alex leant back and shrugged half-heartedly. “I do value our friendship, Rafi. I just want to start with a clean slate, that all."

Rafael laughed bitterly. “I bet you do. Okay Alex, you want a clean slate? Fine. I’ll agree not to leak information to the press, since unlike you I have some concern for the women involved, and you agree to stay the hell out of my life.”  He took a breath. “Now go home to your wife before she starts wondering where you are.” 

Alex’s eyes narrowed at the jibe but before he could respond he was interrupted by the arrival of Carisi, who stopped short at the palpable tension.

“Sorry counselor, Carmen said I could come on in?” 

Rafael sent up a silent prayer of thanks for his secretary. “It’s fine, Carisi, Alex was just leaving.” 

Alex huffed a scornful laugh at the dismissal and stood to shake Carisi’s hand. “Alex Muñoz.” 

Carisi shook his hand readily, and Rafael rolled his eyes at his usual overeager friendliness. “Yeah, I know. Good to meet you, I’m Detective Dominick Carisi...” 

“Call him Sonny,” Rafael muttered, not sure if he was being mocking or demonstrably over familiar. Carisi looked over in amused surprise and Rafael pretended not to see, though he noticed with some satisfaction that it had made Carisi drop the handshake. 

“Sonny, good to meet you. Rafael is right, of course, I should let you get back to your duties.” He turned back to Rafael. “I appreciate you taking the time, Rafi. I hope one day we can move past this… difficulty.”

Rafael stiffened. He wanted to snap, to yell that Alex Muñoz was a manipulative fuck who didn’t deserve the last word, didn’t get to make out like he was the better man and that it was some moral failing of Rafael’s that he wouldn’t just forgive and forget, but he figured he probably had enough to explain to Carisi without adding a full scale breakdown. Instead he settled for clenched teeth and a tight smile as Alex swept out of the room. 

There was a beat of silence after the door clicked closed. 

" _'Call him Sonny’_?”

Rafael dredged up a smirk. “What? You’re nothing if not predictable, detective.” 

Carisi gave a sarcastic glower in response, but let Rafael away with it anyway. He flopped down into the chair recently vacated by Alex.

“So, you’re friends with Alex Muñoz?”

“Once upon a time. You seemed to be a fan.”

“Yeah, once upon a time. The sheen kind of wears off when you see a man’s junk in every newspaper.” He grinned at Rafael’s surprised laugh and settled back in his chair. “So did I interrupt something?” 

Rafael shook his head. “Just another step on the Alex Muñoz apology tour.” At Carisi’s confused frown he added, “He’s getting all his ducks in a row before he makes another attempt at Mayor.” 

Carisi nodded, and to Rafael’s gratitude didn’t push for any more details. 

“He’s running again, huh? I guess that’s not surprising. He came close enough last time, and God knows sexual impropriety isn’t exactly a career killer these days.” 

They both grimaced at that, and Carisi added flippantly, “Hell, as long as he stays away from high schoolers and parades his forgiving wife in front of enough cameras, he could run for Governor.” 

In spite of himself Rafael felt an old surge of defensiveness on Yelina’s behalf. “His wife isn’t the type to be paraded around, detective,” he said, a little too sharply. “She has her reasons for standing by him.” 

He sensed Carisi tense at the sudden change of tone. His own tone was careful when he spoke again. “All I’m saying, whatever her reasons? A guy pulls that kind of shit on you once he’ll do it again, and the next time it’ll go beyond texts and dick pics. It’s like I tell my sisters...” 

Rafael knew the conversation wasn’t going anywhere he wanted to follow. He’d had too many uncharitable thoughts about Yelina over the years and didn’t relish the thought of having them repeated back to him by someone who hadn’t known her when she was younger and less cynical. “Thank you detective, but I doubt you came here to share some Carisi family wisdom. What do you want?” 

Carisi frowned, not with hurt at the Rafael’s admittedly uncalled for harshness, but with what looked like concern. Rafael had picked up that Carisi was something of a fixer, always trying to smooth things over when there was tension in the team. Fortunately, he’d never really been subject to it and he didn’t plan on changing things now. Talking about his feelings was something to be done rarely with Liv or, in a pinch, his mother. He fixed Carisi with an impatient stare until he sighed and gave in. 

“Lieu said you needed more on our alleged assailant. I think I might have found something useful.”

 

* * *

 

The next night Rafael dropped by the precinct, ostensibly to discuss some lingering issues with the case but mostly because he wanted a drinking buddy. Alex’s visit had been preying on his mind and he needed a distraction.

When he arrived Carisi was the only one still at his desk, shirt sleeves rolled up, working out a kink in his back, presumably from sitting hunched over his computer for too long. Rafael acknowledged after about 20 seconds that he was staring but the man was attractive and he wasn’t blind, so he gave himself 10 seconds more before walking over. 

“She’s not here?” Rafael asked, nodding his head towards Liv’s darkened office.

“Some problem with Noah,” Carisi replied, looking up. “You need her?” 

Rafael shook his head and turned back towards the elevators, reconciling himself to a night alone with a bottle of scotch. “It can wait. “Goodnight, detective.” 

“Hey, wait a second counselor.” Carisi jumped up and rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly. “I wanted to apologize. I think I might have spoken out of turn yesterday. What I said about Muñoz’s wife...”

Rafael held up a hand. “It’s fine, Carisi. You weren’t entirely wrong. It’s just...” 

“A sore subject. Right. I picked that up from the Lieutenant.” 

Rafael raised an eyebrow. “Did she say something?”

“No, nothing really. I just mentioned that Muñoz had been there when I dropped by and she wanted to know if you were okay.” 

Rafael nodded and made a mental note to text Liv later. He started to turn away again when Carisi called out his name. 

“Look, I know this is personal but at the risk of subjecting you to more ‘Carisi family wisdom’, you don’t owe that guy anything, no matter how long you’ve known him. I looked up what he said about you and it was all bullshit. You did the right thing back then.” 

Rafael stared at Carisi, more than a little taken aback by the unexpected outburst. For his part, Carisi was looking at the floor, and Rafael noticed the tips of his ears had turned pink.

The idea that Carisi had been troubled enough by their conversation that he’d went out of his way to look up what had happened between him and Alex gave Rafael a surprisingly warm feeling. He wanted to say something to express his gratitude or apologize for the night before in his office but everything sounded contrived in his head. Instead he blurted out “You want to grab a drink?”

“A drink? With… what?”

Rafael had to forgive him his fumbling, as something similar was running through his own head. He wasn’t entirely sure where that had come from. The last time he and Carisi had shared a drink alone was at a funeral. He quickly gathered himself. “I’m not asking for a kidney, Carisi. I need a drink, Liv isn’t here, and I don’t feel much like drinking alone. Let’s go.” 

He strode towards the elevator, Carisi barely hesitating before jogging to catch up with him.

“So just to be clear, I’m your second choice right now?”

“I wouldn’t say that Detective. No one else is here. You’re more of a default choice.” 

Carisi rolled his eyes and pushed the elevator button. They caught each other smirking in the mirror as the elevator doors opened.

 

* * *

 

“So is this a silent drink?” Carisi questioned as Rafael returned from the bar and set down a beer and a scotch. 

“Evidently not,” Rafael replied dryly, “if it was meant to be silent I wouldn’t have invited you, of all people.” 

“Fair point,” Carisi smiled, taking a sip of his beer. “So. Enrique Trouble, huh?” 

Rafael rolled his eyes and swallowed a mouthful of scotch. “You know, of all the dumb choices he made I still think that name may be the dumbest.” 

Carisi laughed. “What a dick… personality wise, I mean,” he added, as Rafael chuckled into his glass. 

“Ironically he was always the nicest of the two of us. Or the more likeable one, anyway. The whole neighborhood loved him. They used to admire his ambition because they believed he’d use it to change the world. In me it was just another sign of my ingratitude.” He smiled sourly at the table. 

Carisi gently bumped Rafael’s glass with a coaster. “Who told you that?”

Rafael shook his head. He already knew that complex came as much from his own guilt as it did from his mother’s idle comments about fancy apartments, or Alex and Yelina’s barbs about soulless lawyers.

“It doesn’t matter, it doesn’t bother me any more. I just resent the implication that I should be ashamed of my choices. I’m proud of where I came from but I worked hard to get where I am, and being proud of that too doesn’t make me a sellout or mean I turned by back on my community.”

“No, it doesn’t,” Carisi agreed. “I’m sorry he made you feel that way. And I’m sorry your best friend turned out to be such an asshole.” 

Rafael snorted. “Me too.”

“And he may talk a big talk about being a man of the people of whatever, but you help people too Barba.” Carisi sat back and gestured at him with his beer bottle. “I’d vote for you over him any day.” 

Rafael smiled to himself and glanced up to catch Carisi looking at him with an unexpected softness. They stared at each other for a second before breaking away, embarrassed. Rafael ran a finger along the rim of his glass and tried to ignore the thumping in his chest, telling himself that this was nothing special, that Carisi was relentlessly compassionate and just didn’t want him to be upset. The realization that he wanted it to be more than that hit him hard and fast, but at that moment the ‘more’ was undefined.

He decided that tonight, with a flushed and happy Carisi sitting opposite him, was not the night to fuck things up with soul searching. He downed the rest of his scotch and stood.

“Another?”


	2. Chapter 2

It’d been a rough case. The evidence had been shaky from the start and their witness had been reluctant to testify, her reticence justified when she took the stand and was completely torn apart by Buchanan. Two shouting matches with Liv and a muttered argument on the finer points of law with Carisi later and Rafael had settled for a deal on a much lesser charge. It had felt like a loss.

Everyone had gravitated towards the bar after the case was over. Rafael had hung back, but Liv had smiled and placed a reassuring hand on his back, their version of an apology when things got a little too heated between them.

They sat at a corner table in a noisy bar in relative silence until Liv and Rollins had to leave to be with their kids, Fin offering to give them both a ride. Rollins had been shooting Carisi concerned looks all night and had tried to convince him to come back with her, but all she got was a distracted grunt. Rafael had caught her eye and nodded as she pulled on her coat in an effort to communicate that he’d keep an eye on him. She’d raised a skeptical eyebrow, which Rafael didn’t entirely blame her for, but it was enough to get her out the door.

Rafael glanced across to where Carisi was pulling shreds off the label on his beer bottle. He remembered watching the interview, Carisi pretending to strike up a man-to-man rapport with a brutal rapist and murderer, and remembered how he’d looked like he wanted to crawl out of his own skin by the end of it. He’d looked like that a lot throughout the case. Rafael had wanted to say or do something that would put him back at ease, but although he was still avoiding any serious introspection he couldn’t help but feel a little awkward around Carisi since that night at the bar, and had chosen to bite his tongue and focus on the case. Now, as he watched him gloomily pick at his drink, Rafael felt compelled to do something to pull him out of his mood.

“Rough case,” he sighed.

For a second Carisi didn’t acknowledge the comment, but then blew out a long breath. “Yeah.”

Usually this type of heart to heart was more Rafael’s speed, but found himself unnerved by Carisi’s silence. Even on the toughest cases he tended to fall on the side of ‘chatty’. So he continued.

“You want another drink?” He asked, ignoring the mostly full bottle of beer with the tattered label.

Carisi scowled at the table. “You shouldn’t have let Buchanan go in that hard on our witness.”

Rafael sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. The comment wasn’t entirely unexpected. “Carisi, we’ve had this argument.”

Carisi shook his head stubbornly. “You let him tear her apart.”

“Buchanan knows what he’s doing. I didn’t have any grounds to object.”

“You could have done something,” Carisi muttered.

On most days Rafael would let that slide with an eye roll and sardonic remark, but his own frustration at the failure of the case bubbled over and he slammed his glass down, causing Carisi to flinch. “You know what, _Detective_ ,” he ground out sarcastically, “when you’ve tried a real case in a real court you can come back to me and tell me how to practice law. Until then, you’re still just a cop and I’d appreciate if you kept your legal opinions to yourself.” Carisi’s expression darkened and Rafael knew immediately he’d gone too far, but pressed his lips together determinedly to avoid trying to take any of it back.

“Just a cop?” hissed Carisi. “In case you forgot, counselor, it was cops that caught the guy. _We_ stopped him from hurting anyone else. You’re the one who couldn’t get him sent away for murder. Thanks to you, he’ll be out again before his victim would have been old enough for college!”

The hum of the bar quietened to a hush as the other patrons looked for the source of the shouting and immediately Carisi shrank in on himself, a flush developing on his neck, and he went back to picking at the remains of the label.

Rafael examined the bottom of his glass. “That’s not fair,” he said quietly.

Carisi closed his eyes, all traces of anger abruptly gone. “No. I know it’s not. Damn it. I’m sorry.” He rubbed his face with his hands. “It’s not your fault, I’m sorry.”

He looked so torn up that Rafael’s own anger began to dissipate, though professional pride wouldn’t allow him to let everything go. “I got you more than any other ADA would have,” he said evenly. “But I appreciate we’re all a little on edge right now.” Carisi didn’t respond except to look up at him with sad blue eyes. Rafael hesitated, unsure of what to say to make the kicked puppy look on his face go away. “Look, Carisi, it’s fine. You’ll get your own shot at Buchanan one day. Put that Fordham Law degree to good use.”

Carisi frowned a little, clearly unsure if he was being made fun of. 

“I thought I was just a cop?” he prodded.

Rafael sighed affectedly. “Give me a break Carisi, accept an attempt at an apology so we can both move on and never speak of this again.”

Carisi let out a surprised laugh. He tipped his bottle in Rafael’s direction and gave the first genuine smile Rafael had seen from him in a while. “Non-apology accepted.”

Rafael rolled his eyes and hid his own smile behind another drink of scotch. He felt the tension of the past few weeks start to melt away and let himself enjoy the companionable silence. Carisi had stopped playing with his beer and started drinking it, which Rafael took as a good sign.

After a minute Carisi leaned forward. “How do you know when to take a deal?”

Rafael started a little at the unexpected question, but Carisi looked genuinely curious. He tapped a finger thoughtfully against his glass. “Experience. You start to pick up on what way the jury is leaning. And sometimes you just have to play the odds. This job is rarely clean or straightforward. A lot of the time you have to scrape and claw for what little justice you can get.”

Carisi nodded slowly. “See, I can trawl through evidence and reference case law and argue till the cows come home, but I don't know that I have it in me to make those kinds of decisions.”

Rafael waved a hand dismissively. “Of course you do. You're smart, you see every side and you shadowed a great attorney." Carisi smirked at that. "You just...” He paused. He'd never been very good at the mentoring thing. “You can't treat it like a crusade. There aren't many pure victories to be had. If you keep looking for them this job’ll break you.”

Carisi began to grin. “You think I'm a crusader?” he asked teasingly.

“God, aren’t you all?” Rafael bemoaned, but didn't hold back his smile.

Carisi spun a coaster round on the table and chuckled quietly. “You know, I always thought being a lawyer would be the easier job. Now sometimes I'm not sure.”

Rafael huffed a laugh. “People certainly shoot at me less.” He figured now wasn’t the time to bring up the folder full of death threats sitting in a drawer in his office.

Carisi glanced up from under his lashes, making eye contact briefly before looking away. “I’m glad.”

Rafael swallowed. He watched Carisi’s hands restlessly spinning the coaster and was filled with a sudden impulse to cover them with his own, make them still. The undefinable feeling he’d been suppressing for the past few weeks was starting to claw it’s way back up his chest, becoming clearer and clearer with each passing second. Before he could make what would probably be an ill advised choice, Carisi’s phone vibrated heavily against the table. Carisi glanced at the name and something tightened in his features.

“Something wrong?”

“No, no. It’s just… it’s my girlfriend.”

Rafael schooled his expression into something approaching neutrality and fought the urge to note out loud that he didn’t know Carisi was seeing someone, because why would he know? They’d never really been friends, just colleagues. That’s all they were. He took another drink, letting the scotch burn the back of his throat, and left the silence open for Carisi to continue.

“It hasn’t been a great few weeks,” he sighed. “I guess she wants me to talk about the case, but any time I do it upsets her. Or it upsets me and that upsets her.” Carisi shook his head. “I don’t know.”

Rafael cleared his throat and tried to make his voice sound even, with marginal success. “I'm not exactly the best person to give relationship advice," he glared as Carisi snorted, "but if the last few weeks have proven anything it’s that this job is hard to bear alone. It’s good to have someone to talk to. Even if you're just talking about nothing.”

“Yeah,” Carisi murmured, brow furrowed. He looked up at Rafael with an indecipherable expression. “You’re right. I think I need to have a conversation with her.”

Rafael smiled tightly. “Right.” 

Carisi typed out a quick message on his phone and pushed away from the table. “Listen, counselor, thanks for putting up with all my crap tonight. No, seriously,” he said, as Rafael started to protest the notion of ‘putting up’ with him, “I appreciate it. I’m sorry for running out on you. It’s just I really think I need to do this now.”

“It’s not a date, Carisi, you don’t have to apologize for leaving for a better offer,” Rafael joked, though the words felt heavy in his mouth. Carisi stilled and Rafael shook his head. “Carisi, seriously, go home to your girlfriend. Talk about nothing.”

Carisi shook himself into movement and started to weave his way out of the bar. On an impulse Rafael called out after him.

“Detective? We’ll win the next one.” He raised his glass in acknowledgment.

The brilliant smile Carisi shot back was almost enough to soothe the hot pain building in his chest.


	3. Chapter 3

Drinks with Carisi soon became something of a habit. It started when Carisi dragged him to a bar near the precinct in an effort to apologize for what he had referred to as his ‘outburst of self pity” a few days before. They’d continued to meet up regularly after that, at first relying on excuses like a tough day at work or owing the other a drink for some inconsequential favor, but it quickly became something they did without preamble. Truth be told Rafael had tried to stop it early on, concerned that his rapidly developing feelings were leading him to attempt to date another man without his knowledge like some sort of lunatic, but then he watched Carisi laugh through yet another ridiculous Staten Island story after a long day in court and realized how much he’d come to value their friendship. If his heart beat faster when they were together then that was just something he would have to deal with. 

The previous night they’d met to celebrate a win; he’d waved Carisi off at their usual bar and taken an Uber back to his apartment, pleasantly buzzed from alcohol, success and company. His good mood had dropped quickly at the sight of his door sitting slightly ajar. He’d pushed the door open, ignoring the inner voice yelling at him to just call the cops, and found everything eerily undisturbed, normal except for the large Mass bouquet sitting neatly on his coffee table with a card declaring “In Loving Memory”. He’d have made a comment about the irony of Catholic themed threats if anyone had been around to listen, or if he’d trusted his own voice.

The cops were buzzing all over his apartment within half an hour. A grim looking sergeant he didn’t know had advised him to stay in a hotel until the next night and had arranged a protective detail while the break in was fully investigated.

Which was how that night he found himself still sitting in his office long past the end of the working day, discovering a myriad of excuses to avoid going back to his apartment. It was late enough that he began to wonder if the unfortunate officer assigned to look after him had finally had enough and gone home when he heard a hushed conversation outside the office door. He stilled, straining to hear, when a sharp knock made him jump.

Carisi poked his head round the door. “Sorry. I should have called first.”

Rafael relaxed and smirked. “That would have been a first. What can I do for you?”

Carisi stepped in and pulled the door closed behind him, and Rafael frowned at the tightness across his shoulders. “You can tell me why I had to hear from some uniform in the middle of a crime scene that your apartment was broken into last night.”

Rafael winced. He’d made an attempt to text Liv but he felt more and more ridiculous with each deleted draft and had eventually given up. He hadn’t tried Carisi. “There didn’t seem to be any need to alert SVU over a break in,” he shrugged, aware that he sounded unconvincing. Carisi rolled his eyes and strode over to him, perching on the end of his desk and deliberately leaning into his space.

“Screw that, Barba, you know I’m not here as a cop. Did you even have somewhere to stay last night?”

“New York has many fine hotels, Detective,” he said brusquely.

Carisi went to slam a palm down on the desk but stopped himself before he could make contact, balling his hand up into a fist instead. “Would you stop that?” he said, voice harsh with irritation. “Stop playing it off, this is serious.”

Irrational anger started to build in Rafael. “I’m not playing it off,” he snapped. “I called the police, I stayed in a hotel, I have a police officer following me around everywhere. I followed the plan. Everything’s fine, disregarding the lack of privacy.” He crossed his arms and stared defiantly at Carisi. Unperturbed, Carisi stared right back at him.

“If everything is so fine why aren’t you back in your apartment?”

Rafael felt his face heat up and he turned away. “Why are you here, Carisi?”

Carisi leaned in closer. “Because in spite of this display, you’re my friend and I wanted to make sure you were okay.”

Rafael consciously pulled away further, not really caring that he was being childish. “That’s sweet. Should we exchange bracelets?”

“You’re an asshole,” Carisi muttered as he hopped off the desk. “Grab your coat, will you? We can pick some food up on the way if you’re hungry.”

 

* * *

 

 

They stopped and picked up some noodles on the way back to his apartment. Rafael wasn’t very interested in eating but knew Carisi would probably start pulling cooking implements he hasn’t seen in years out of forgotten drawers in his kitchen if he didn’t eat something.

Carisi nodded at the bored looking police officers sitting in the squad car outside his building and Rafael wondered briefly what they might be thinking at seeing them arrive at his apartment together at this time of night. He paused at the door to his apartment and Carisi rested a hand on his arm, taking the keys and going in first to check things out. He made a show of rolling his eyes but was secretly pleased at the gesture, and breathed a short sigh of relief when Carisi declared the apartment clear.

“Can I get you a drink?” Rafael asked as they took off their coats and dropped the food on the table.

Carisi was distractedly taking in the apartment, eyes catching on the overstuffed bookcase. “Uh, do you have anything that isn’t scotch?”

Rafael made a face, but grabbed two bottles of beer from the refrigerator and steadily ignored Carisi’s look of surprise. He sat down on the couch and watched Carisi awkwardly decide how close was reasonable to sit before settling so far on the other side he was practically on the armrest. The silence was uncomfortable in a way it hadn’t been for a while, presumably because they were in his home instead of the more impersonal setting of a crowded bar. He cleared his throat.

“Thanks. I, uh, I might have been putting off coming back here tonight.”

Carisi gave him a mildly withering look as he opened the noodle boxes. “It’s fine. I didn’t want Carmen coming in tomorrow and finding you asleep on the floor.”

“I have a couch.”

“Right, because that’s my point.” Carisi tried to look cross but his mouth twitched with amusement, their usual banter seemingly putting him more at ease. He looked around. “I like your place. Are those all law books?” He nodded towards the bookcase.

“Hm?” Rafael glanced up from pulling apart his chopsticks. “Oh those. There’s some poetry and fiction in there too. Mostly left over from college. My mother accuses me of leaving them out to show off.”

Carisi quirked an eyebrow. “Do you?”

“Worked on you, didn’t it?”

Carisi ducked his head and Rafael thought he might be blushing, but it was probably just the beer. He poked tiredly at his food.

“So you caught a case today?” He asked. Work was always a safe topic for them, though they never really talked about it much, given that they saw each other around work so much anyway.

Carisi raised his head, looking a little surprised by the question. “Nah, Homicide took it, they just wanted an assist. It’s actually been pretty quiet lately. Good to have a chance to catch up on paperwork.”

“If only you had that attitude when you owe me case notes,” he cracked, drawing an affronted huff from Carisi.

They sat like that for a while, idly chatting about nothing in particular. Carisi handled the bulk of the conversation, Rafael letting the soft murmur wash over him and calm his frayed nerves. He tried not to notice how Carisi had shuffled closer to him on the couch to the point their knees were almost touching, though he did happen to bump their shoulders a few times while reaching for his drink. It was nice, but it was dangerous, and he knew he didn’t have the strength of mind tonight to pull himself together when he needed to.

“Carisi, I really appreciate all this, but you can head home. I’m sure you don’t want to be stuck here with me all night.”

Carisi frowned, and Rafael could have sworn he saw a look of hurt pass over his face, but it was gone as soon as it appeared. “Are you sure? I mean, I don’t mind...”

“I don’t want to take advantage of your good nature, Detective,” Rafael said firmly. “I have enough people looking out for me tonight, there’s no reason for you to have to hang around here too.”

Carisi looked away, his mouth set tightly, and Rafael felt a stab of guilt at dismissing him when he’d gone out of his way to be there for him that night. He thought of Carisi showing up in a panic at his office. He thought of him walking on the outside of the pavement as they made their way back to his apartment in a sweet and probably ineffective show of protection. He thought of him making sure he had eaten, that someone was watching the apartment, that everything was safe and he thought briefly, wildly, that he might love him a little for all that.

His thoughts were interrupted when Carisi turned back to him, eyes gleaming with something like determination, and said quietly, “I don’t want to leave.”

Rafael stilled, mind running through a dozen options of what that might mean. Carisi looked back at him steadily, almost daringly, and for a moment they just sat looking into each others’ eyes, silent but for the heavy thud of Rafael’s heart in his ears. He blinked, and Carisi's hands were on his jaw as he pressed a soft kiss to his lips. He started to draw back but Rafael wrapped a hand around the back of his neck, pulling him closer and deepening the kiss. Carisi moaned softly and Rafael came back to his senses with a bump, forcing himself to break away.

“Wait,” he said breathlessly, “wait.”

Carisi froze. “Sorry, I… I thought...”

Rafael shook his head hurriedly. “No, you thought right, I just… Carisi, you have a girlfriend.”

“Oh, right,” Carisi sounded relieved. “I don’t have a girlfriend.”

Rafael's heart stuttered in his chest. “I beg your pardon?”

“I don’t have a girlfriend?” Carisi repeated uncertainly.

Rafael found himself standing, not entirely sure when he’d got up. “What do you mean you don’t have a girlfriend?”

“I don’t...”

“Yes, we've established that. Elaborate.”

“We broke up.” Carisi stood slowly and used the placating tone of voice he usually saved for jittery witnesses and particularly edgy suspects. “That night at the bar, I told you I needed to speak to her. That was why.”

Rafael stared flatly at him for several seconds. “Carisi, we saw each other every week for months after that. It never occurred to you to mention it?”

“I… I wasn’t sure it was relevant.” He said hesitantly.

Rafael shook his head and laughed raggedly. He closed the distance between them and grabbed Carisi by the lapels of his jacket. “It was relevant,” he breathed, pulling him into a fierce and bruising kiss. The sheer force of months of longing caught them both unawares and they stumbled, Carisi falling back into the couch with a surprised noise and a smile Rafael felt rather than saw.

This time it was Carisi who broke away first.

“Since when?” He asked, his face flushed and a smile still pulling at his lips. “Since when was it relevant?”

Rafael barely restrained himself from saying ‘forever’, a sappy impulse he blamed on having Carisi underneath him and smiling. “A while. I don’t know. You?”

Carisi gave a wry grin. “Probably longer.”

Rafael’s eyes widened with surprise, a thousand questions playing on his lips, though they all seemed to die away before he could ask them. He sat back and regarded Carisi carefully. “Did you break up with her because of me?”

Carisi thought for a second before answering. “Partly, I guess. It had been going off the rails for a while, but I kept finding reasons to keep it going.” He leaned forward and ran a fingernail along the grooves in the coffee table. “I kept telling myself I couldn't break up with someone just because I had a crush on an oblivious ADA." He smiled ruefully up at Rafael before looking away again. "Then you said that thing about how it was important to have someone to talk to, even about nothing, and it hit me just how much I wanted that someone to be you. After that I couldn't come up with a good reason to be with anyone else.”

Warmth bloomed in his chest and he wanted to reach forward and pull Carisi close, to explain how he'd felt the same way back then, but he couldn’t completely bite back his first instinct of sarcasm.

“So naturally you ran away and spent the next two months steadfastly not asking me out.”

“Hey, I was building up to it,” Carisi laughed. “Cut me a break, you’re a hard guy to read.”

Rafael thought back to all the times he’d caught himself mooning after Carisi like a lovestruck teenager and laughed. “We’re both idiots.”

They smiled at each other from their respective spots across the couch. Rafael reached out and gently stroked a thumb across his hand. Carisi sighed reluctantly.

“I should go.”

Rafael’s head snapped up. “Now? Why?”

Carisi chuckled and covered Rafael’s hand with his own. “Because I want to do this right,” he said sincerely.

Rafael frowned. “What do you mean?”

“I mean,” Carisi stood and pulled Rafael up with him, “I want to take you on a proper date.”

“Are you asking me out for a drink, Sonny?” Rafael asked teasingly.

Carisi looked a little dazed at the use of his name, but recovered quickly. “Not this time.” He smiled. “Will you go to dinner with me, Rafael?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And we're done! Thanks again for all the lovely comments, they're much appreciated.
> 
> I'm at noodlebugg.tumblr.com if you want to come say hi. I will actually post something to it at some point.


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